It is ten to eight, Central Standard Time, and I am hanging around outside the Grand Ballroom. A number of other citizens are also hanging around outside the Grand Ballroom, and the reason we are all hanging around outside the Grand Ballroom at ten to eight is that inside the Grand Ballroom at eight, the Guest of Honour speeches take place.

Amongst all these citizens I am the only one making notes in a notebook, and this is because I am the only one who is a TAFF delegate who one day has to remember what happens and maybe write about it. Naturally I make notes very discreetly as I by no means wish to upset Big Name Fans and other such citizens. A Big Name Fan might not wish to have it generally known that he is hanging around outside the Grand Ballroom for the Guest of Honour speeches. Such a Big Name Fan might get to thinking that anyone writing it down is a guy not to be trusted and in this man’s town guys who are not trusted get to be placed in concrete boots and invited for a swim in Lake Michigan. So I am discreet as I never wish to go for a swim in Lake Michigan, even if I am not wearing concrete boots.

I gradually figure out that I do not have to be discreet about taking notes at that, as among the numbers of citizens there is no one I recognise, not even Nicely Nicely Rowe who I recognise several times so far during the con without him recognising me back. Always something attracts his attention on the other side of the room, or the hotel, or Chicago. Nicely Nicely Rowe takes offence when I first write about him in my fanzine Dot (issue 2, 1977), so maybe he still holds a grudge.

It seems fannish citizens in this part of the world are not people who go to the Guest of Honour speeches on Friday night, and moreover probably not on any night. Now, where I come from Guest of Honour speeches are often worth taking in, especially if they are by Bob Shaw, so I decide to take in the Worldcon Guest of Honour speeches to find out for myself.

As I have nothing else to do, I get to thinking about three Guest of Honour speeches and why they are all at the same time, or at least one after the other, and is it to get them out of the way early, and decide that however you look at it, it is a lousy idea. Later, I find out that this is how they do things at American Worldcons. The way I hear it, in the days when there are convention banquets all the Guests of Honour get to speak after the banquet. Then the banquets cease but the speeches stay right where they are, on a Friday night. At the time, though, all I know is what a lousy idea this is. It is about as lousy as the “Pocket Program”.

Well, this is a lot of thinking and I look at my watch and all this thinking takes only about ten minutes, but even though the Guest of Honour speeches are starting at eight, there is no sign of the doors opening to let us in. Anyway, while I am standing there, minding my own business, this guy comes up to me and says like this: “Hi.”

I start to get concerned that this is maybe a Big Name Fan I do not recognise who notices that I am taking notes, so I take a quick glance at his badge and see he is someone called Shea and he is Press Relations Officer for Chicon IV. So of course I know straight off that he is not a Big Name Fan since no Big Name Fan takes a job like Press Relations Officer. But before I can reply, he says:

“This is one of those conversations that begins ‘I never read any of your stuff, but…’ but I wish to talk about the panel you are on this afternoon.”

Now I do not recall any panel I am on this afternoon, and although I do consume a certain amount of hooch today, it is by no means enough to erase my memory. So I play for time and say: “Which panel?” as if I am on many panels.

“The one on hard science fiction.”

This makes it easier, since although I am on a couple of fan panels on Saturday and Sunday, I will give you plenty of six to five that no con organiser is asking me to talk about hard science fiction at any time. When I say this, Shea looks puzzled. “Are you sure?”

“Oh, yes,” I say.

“Oh, well,” he says, and wanders away looking like a guy who has lost a dollar and found a dime.

At last we get some action as the doors to the Grand Ballroom open and we go in. I am looking for a nice seat near the exits since a guy never knows when he might need to make a quick getaway, such as if is he is being bored to death, when I am accosted by an usher who tells me that the yellow ‘Program’ ribbon I am wearing gets me into the reserved area near the front. I nod politely and sit down near the back, with the cross-aisle in front of me providing extra legroom. But then the usher turns up with all the other ushers and they all gather round me and tell me I can move forward, if I want to, in such a tone of voice that implies if I want to not have broken legs.

As I take their advice and move forward, I see that the numbers hanging around outside the Grand Ballroom are not so great when they get inside the Grand Ballroom and indeed, the Grand Ballroom is a whole lot of empty. I sit on the end of a row with a reserved sign on it and move the reserved sign along one. After a while, an usher comes along and takes away the reserved sign, and this is very distressing as I am starting to enjoy being a reserved citizen.

The Guest of Honour speeches are now twenty-eight minutes late and I think this is more than somewhat embarrassing and give myself until thirty before I walk out, but then a co-chairman appears and blows into the microphone, which does not make it any less embarrassing, at that. By 8.33 I am increasingly aware of needing to take a leak.

Marta Randall comes on to introduce Howard Devore who takes seven minutes to introduce fan GoH Lee Hoffman. Lee is an astute doll who knows the audience and speaks for about three seconds on the grounds that she is interviewed next day. Marta Randall introduces Bob Asprin who introduces artist GoH Kelly Freas. Kelly Freas begins to speak and he is quite funny at that, but not funny enough and I have other pressing concerns. I never do hear A. Bertram Chandler.

[Chapter 11 is brought to you by the Friends of Damon Runyon Appreciation Society.]